On Love

Why stubbornness is the secret ingredient in my relationship.

Unstoppable force
meet
immovable object.
Is what our introduction would have been
if this was a sitcom
and we had a narrator
because how else do you explain two people
so stubborn in opposite directions
deciding to fall in love?

My favorite Chinese word is 默契
which is a seamless in-syncness
gained in the same way two boulders
grind each other to smoothness.
It’s become our motto through fights
and tough nights spent wondering:
What are we doing?
默契 is a reminder
we’re still in the process 
of wearing each other down.

But my definition is the fourth 
of those listed in the dictionary.
The first is a tacit understanding,
默 meaning silent-quiet-still
契 meaning carved-contract-agree.
Which still works
because what is stubbornness
but quietly waking each morning
and choosing to remain in love.
Returning to bed each night
curled like spoons
until our bodies are carved smooth.

---

I don’t think I’ve ever met someone more stubborn than me. Or I hadn’t, until I met Han. Between the two of us, would could put several mules to shame. It doesn’t help that we almost always sit on opposite sides of the argument. We both love exercise but I’m a staunch ball-sport athlete and Han is all about endurance. We both love food, but Han believes in cooking decadent meals in large quantities and I’m of the mind that meals are fuel and should include some vegetables. And on and on it goes. Together we tug-of-war our way to a middle ground, most of the time.

While stubbornness is often the cause of much conflict in our relationship, it has also been the foundation of our growth as partners. The Merriam-Webster dictionary defines stubborn as “performed or carried on in an unyielding, obstinate, or persistent manner” and that is how we approach our relationship. We persistently show up for each other, trying new sports and activities to share the other’s passion (I’ve learned to ski, Han is picking up pickleball). We are obstinate when it comes to figuring out our communication problems and finding a better path forward. We show up every day, unyieldingly, and say “I love you and I choose you”. Which is why I think it makes sense that the 4th definition listed in the dictionary for stubborn is simply “lasting”.

We’re four years in and still figuring out what it looks like to build a lasting relationship. Together we’ve had amazing highs, from ski trips, mountain summits, and building our little slice of life in Seattle to crazy to unforgettable world travels. We’ve also forded tough times, included loss and injury and illness, side by side. But there’s one thing I’m certain of as we look forward to another 40+ years together: we will continue stubbornly showing up, day in and day out, to build the best partnership we can.

Here’s to a lifetime of creating 默契 together!

I said “hell yeah dude!”